I guess I can't necessarily explain why, but I have suffered depression most of my life. I have had episodes of debilitating major depressive disorder, clinical depression, seasonal affective disorder and dysthymia. For good measure, anxiety is a regular visitor as well. It always bothers me when I hear judgmental declarations about about the ne'er-do-wells that battle depression. People who are degrading by those who struggle with depression may not have compassion and understanding.
My history has a few bullet points that could easily explain the difficulties with mood that endow my life. As a small child my sleep was often disrupted by domestic violence that struck deep fear and anxiety in my young heart. This was often precipitated by chemical use by family members. Even by the age of seven I went to school knowing that I was very different from the other kids I saw, who looked pretty well put together.
At the age of 11 my sister was traumatically killed, being hit by a car. The day I spent alone waiting to hear if she survived was certainly a defining moment in my young life. Two years later I lost my mom to a brain aneurism, quite unexpectedly. And, my life completely unraveled. There weren't school social workers and therapy wasn't too popular or accessible. I just had to figure out how to navigate a world that I couldn't understand. It felt like I was underwater watching the rest of world continue on without me, but near enough that I could almost touch it. As a teenager I truly did not understand the lives of my peers because they were so very different than mine.
After my mom died, my dad lost his entire drive to be a parent and sort of disintegrated himself. My sister, bless her heart, stepped up and tried to parent me. It was a tough job and I would not expect many 18 year olds to be able to take on a 13 year old with my level of problems. My mom was the center of our worlds and everyone really lost their orbit after her death.
This is a snapshot of a few moments in my formative years. Does it make sense that depression is a part of my life experience? Absolutely! And every day of my life I am either in depression, just out of depression or on my way to the next bout of depression.
I do not benefit from medications. The best thing I can do is protect my sleep. I can eat right and take my vitamins. When it is warm enough to be outside it helps when I get lots of sun (but protected with sunscreen!). It is challenging to deal with a life time of depression. One thing that is very important to understand is that I am not weak. A person with depression is not crazy. In fact, when I consider my accomplishments in light of my struggles, I think that makes me pretty strong and highly functional!
Despite all this, I get up every day. Many days I do not want to get up! I want to stop functioning and live in my sweatpants. But I don't. I work really, really hard. My home functions and my kids know that they are loved. (My family is a great support.) I maintain a job, keep the family plates spinning and I am working toward my Masters Degree. I am not a ne'er-do-well, but I certainly struggle. I am one of the lucky ones probably. Even though my depression can be overwhelming I keep going, many have it worse and are not able to keep this pace.
Why talk about my depression? It is important to create an awareness and increase understanding. Chances are that everyone reading this blog knows someone who struggles with depression of some form. Hopefully, today's post and video adds to understanding and helps to create an environment of support and understanding.
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